Flip Flops and Sandcastles Part I

We are getting back into a nice little routine with most of our days spent outside.  When we left for our vacation it was cold and in the 50's.  When we returned it has been in the 70's and 80's, whoop whoop. So that means little house work is being done and lots of playing and getting dirty is happening.  And the trees were full of leaves with the beautiful lime green color of fresh life and spring in it's glory. We had amazing weather in Florida, I think it was overcast one day.  So we spent lots of time roaming the beach, eating amazing seafood (which just happens to be one of my favorite foods to eat), family time, watching Jonah run around, and getting some sun.  It was good to get away and just relax and not think about anything.  Tim was able to sleep in a few mornings and we were able to go out on a date because Mimi and Papa offered to watch Jonah for us.  We had oysters, clams, and mussels and ate all we could stuff into our faces.  It was amazing.  Now I am having withdrawals. Here are some pictures to recap our starting fresh and feeling anew again.

 Some pictures of where we stayed.  The condo was on the first floor and right outside our back door was the pool.  And we were really close to the beach so it was a quick and easy walk.

 Jonah eating his favorite summer fruit, watermelon.  He was a mess but we didn't care.  He was enjoying it and having fun all at the same time.

 Jonah and his Mimi.

 He loved the aquarium.  We took him there one morning and he saw lots of fish, sharks, jellyfish and we got to see a sea lion show!

 And mommy always has to get some sort of photo shoot in.  Mimi and I took him to the beach one morning and I was just snapping away.  I loved this little outfit he was in and got some good beach pictures.

 Airplane!!!

Springtime In North Carolina

Easter was 2 weeks ago and I am just getting my blog updated with our pictures.  We took a little family trip to Duke Gardens and tried to get some pictures of Jonah.  He is a very busy 20 month old who is always on the move.  So getting any pictures when him still is near impossible, but I captured a few.  We just returned from a wonderful week of vacation with Tim's parents and grandparents in Florida.  It was just what we needed.  Family time, a date night, and lots of relaxing.  More about that trip to come.  Here are some pictures of springtime in North Carolina.

 We had some friends over for an Easter brunch.  Wyatt is on the left, Lillia in the middle and then Jonah.  We had a wonderful time eating, watching the kids, and doing our own little Easter Egg hunt!

Here are the sweet little couple Lillia and Jonah!  Mark and Julie are such great friends and we have already decided Jonah and Lillia make a great couple and bonus we will have wonderful in-laws that can get together for holidays and go on vacations together!!

 So happy looking at the fish with Dad.

 I love flowers.  And Duke Gardens is the place to go if you have a love for flowers or anything that grows.  They do such an amazing job.

Easter Egg Hunt

Easter was 2 weeks ago and I am just getting the pictures from all the Easter festivities up.  We were invited to an Easter Egg hunt at one of Laura's friends home.  It was the first nice day all winter and was perfect weather for hunting eggs.  We had a great lunch in the yard and soaked up the sun.  Here are some pictures of Jonah, Hannah, and Amelia taking it all in!

 I think Jonah would like one of these!!  He rode it around all morning and was totally entertained with it.

 Smelling the flowers.  His new favorite thing to do!

 Sweet sisters Hannah and Amelia.

Getting Back Into It

Well it's been seven weeks since we had our sweet Ellie Catherine and said goodbye to her all in the same week.  I decided I wanted to get back into blogging because I still want to see the good side of life, I still want to smile and acknowledge all that I am thankful for, and I still want to keep moving forward.  As you have noticed before my blog is pretty much about my most favorite little boy on this planet, Jonah.  I have never been one that likes to journal or really go too deep.  I am just not really a dramatic person or full of great emotion but these past weeks and made me go deep and express myself more that I have ever wanted to.  Everyday is a new challenge as I continue to face fears of seeing moms' with their little girls, pregnant women, families with lots of healthy children running around.  Though I may look like I have it together, there is still a sting deep down and a fresh scab that is still there but getting better everyday.  I have to keep looking at the things that God has blessed me with and know though we have gone through a hardship we have many many things to be thankful for.  And everyday throughout the day I remind myself more than once that though I want my little girl here with me, she is in heaven so beautiful and perfect and that can always make me smile.

We were able to make it to one of the Easter services.  It felt good to worship and most importantly remember why Tim and I have made it this far.  Because our Heavenly Father gave his son to die for our sins because he loves us that much, and his Son rose again so that we may have eternal life.  He is sad when we are sad and carries our brudens with him and we can cry and say all we want to him and he listens and loves us.  One of the songs we sang in church has such amazing lyrics, I bawled through the whole song because I can't get out of my mind how heaven is so much more real to me and because of my precious Ellie I have such a deep deep longing for it now.  It's called Cornerstone, by Hillsong.  Please please click on the link and just listen to the words.  Happy Easter everyone and here are some pictures of a very very special little girl named Ellie Catherine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izrk-erhDdk

Ellie Catherine Erpelding

Hello friends and family,

I am sorry if you are hearing this story again or if you are hearing it for the the first time. We have been meaning to shaere Ellie Catherine's story.  It has been a long four weeks with lots of emotions, sadness, heart aches, questions, confusion, and more.  But telling the story and life of Ellie is so important to me and I want to share everything I can about her.

My pregnancy started out normal with morning sickness being the first indicator that some sweet little precious baby was growing inside.  We were both very shocked but excited when we found out we were expecting baby number two.  With our calculations of when we thought we might  be due we soon realized that our new little one and big brother Jonah were going to be 19 months apart!!  Oh my we were going to be busy.  So after our first doctors visit we figured out we were due March 13th.  The pregnancy continued to go well with no complaints.  We went back for our 18 week ultrasound and that is when they started to notice and Ellie was measuring small.  They were not alarmed but to be sure all was well they wanted me to come back in 3 weeks for another ultrasound.  So back to the doctor I went again.  After all the measurements were done on our little babe inside they calculated that she was still measuring small.  They still were not really worried but wanted to have me keep coming back for ultrasounds every 3 weeks, changed my due date to the 17th of March, and sent me for some lab work.  They tested for everything from down syndrome to infection and everything came back normal. There was no concern for infection and no birth defect they could see.  The visits continued and every time they were reassuring that Ellie was fine, just small.  

Things started to get interesting at my 34 weeks ultrasound.  They did the normal measurements that they due at every appointment and this time Ellie was measuring a bit smaller on the growth chart than she had been.  They did a BPP (biophysical profile) and they were noticing that her diaphragm was not moving. So they sent me for a non-stress test.  She failed the non-stress test which landed me my first trip to Labor and Delivery.  I ended up in triage and the nurse was having a hard time finding the heart beat.  So the doctors came in and things got crazy.  An IV was started, I was consented for surgery and all I saw from the bed was a blur of green scrubs.   Ellie's heart rate was going from 150 to 50 and this was very concerning.  After some fluids and close monitoring they were able to get her HR to stay at 150.  I was then moved to a room and started on pitocin to start contractions to see if she could handel the stress put on her.  After 2 hours of painful but not horrible contractions sweet Ellie passed with flying colors and we were sent home at 2am. 

I had a follow-up appointment Friday which landed me back in the hospital and they repeated everything plus did an echo of Ellie's heart which came back perfect.  I scheduled another appointment to see the high risk doctors that following Tuesday and thats when we realized we would be meeting our little girl 5 weeks earlier than planned.  

I went back for my routine appointment and after lots of discussion and Ellie not responding to the BPP's like they wanted her to I was back at the hospital.  I had a non-stress test again, and one more BPP.  When the resident started looking around she called for the attending and it was decided right then and there I was going for an emergency Caesarean.  Tim had started his two week rotation of nights on OB so he came to the hospital as soon as possible and we all went back to the OR.  We welcomed our sweet Ellie Catherine into the world on February 12th at 6:38 pm.  She was 4 pounds 7 ounces and 18 inches long.  She was perfect in every way. 

The next few hours were hard as I was recovering from surgery and we were separated from Ellie.  She was immediately intubated at delivery and taken to the NICU.  I was able to finally see her that night around 11.  The doctors started doing tests and the next morning did an ultrasound of her head.  They found a few spots with fluid and ordered an MRI for further diagnosis.  We got to go down throughout the day and see Ellie.  We would stand by her side and talk to her, hold her sweet tiny little hands, stroke her feet, feel her warmth.  We finally found out the MRI was going to be done late that night and we would get the results the next morning.  Everything was kind of a blurr from that moment on.  

Thursday morning the doctors came to visit with us and told us the news any parent dreads.  The diagnosis was not good.  Ellie was diagnosed with Lissencephaly.  Lissencepahly means "smooth" brain.  It is where the brain never develops in utero but this is something you can't see on ultrasound only with an MRI.   Because the brain was underdeveloped they said Ellie would never breathe, roll over, sit up, eat, talk, walk or do anything on her own and her form of Lissencephaly was severe.  I sat calmly in my bed just staring at the doctor.  For some reason it didn't hit me.  I was rolling everything around and around in my head thinking about what was next and how we might be spending the next few months making trips back and forth to check on Ellie in the NICU and nurse her back to health.  I was thinking what every mother thinks when you end up at the hospital to have your baby, "I am going to take my sweet baby home."  There was nothing in my mind saying that she would never leave the hospital with us and be part of our lives forever.  The doctors told us all they could about her condition and left us alone to talk.  It was then I was finally able to cry, sob, shake.  I would never be taking my baby girl home.

That night Tim and I were finally alone in my hospital room.  He climbed in bed with me and we sat there in silence, hugging each other as we let the tears roll down our faces.  I have never felt such sadness, disappointment, or dispair, in all my life.  After carrying that sweet precious child for 8 months I couldn't imagine life without her.  As a mom you get so attached so that miracle of life the moment you find out you are pregnant.  We had been to so many doctor appointments together, had many nights of restless, but ever so perfect, sleep, time rocking Jonah together.  We had done everything together and now I had to let her go.  How do you deal with something like that?  The tears continued to fall as people came and went, explaining the situation over and over again.  Each time the shift of nurses would change they would come in happy as they should be, not knowing the whole situation and each time I had to tell them my baby girl was not well, stinging more every time and opening that raw wound again and again.  

We said goodbye to Ellie Catherine Erpelding at 5:38 on Friday February 15th.  The details and memories still sting, but I want to hold onto them for eternity.  Everything about her was perfect.  Perfect little feet, hands, arms, legs, a head full of beautiful light colored hair.  To look at her you would think everything was completely normal.  Nothing was wrong at all just a beautiful baby girl.  But it wasn't and that is what hurts so much.  I look back and find peace now that I can somewhat piece it together.  I never understood what it meant when you prayed "God if it be your will."  I remember praying it, but really only praying that he would give me what I asked if it be his will or not. God knew from the moment we found out we were pregnant with Ellie what the outcome would be.  And now I know what it means "God if it be your will." I would have never imagined that His will was not for Ellie to live here on earth but to be with him in heaven for eternity.  That was His will?  It was, and I trust that God does know best. If we would have been selfish to keep Ellie here, it would have been a life changing situation.  But God knew and made the decision for us. 

At times it seems like it was yesterday we said goodbye to Ellie and then there are days it seems like so long ago.  Some days are harder than others, but I feel the wound is beginning to form a small scab and we are healing, each in our own way.  God has been gracious and we have felt the prayers of many.  We have a peace that only our Heavenly Father can give and knowing we have a loving God who bears this sadness with us makes it that much more bearable.  There are days I long to hold my Ellie, to rock that sweet tiny girl and hold her close.  I have such a longing for her but I remind myself daily that she is loved more than I can imagine and in heaven right now so perfect and whole.  I pray that God will continue to give us the strength to look forward and trust him in all situations.  He has been good and we continue to trust him in all of this.  I want everyone to know that though we go through trials and affliction there is a higher being that gave his life for us and someday we will join him in heaven, that gives me such joy.  And once we join him on high that is the day I will see my Ellie Catherine for eternity.